mechkitten

I shut down when engaged in certain conflicts, especially if I anticipate or encounter shouting. I never meant to stonewall. Cold and calculating? Nay, I just trying to keep it together. I used to have nervous breakdowns all of the time. Sobbing brought so much relief. Now, I can't even bring myself to cry. I no longer want to be dragged around on a short leash by my emotions. High-maintenance or low-maintenance, whatever. I am not NO maintenance. You say you cater to me. Yet, you don't take the breaks I offer and then pout because you don't get the breaks. Um, you didn't want to take those breaks. You are raking up points by making "sacrifices" that I don't even want you to do. What a loan shark you can be. A voracious, merciless animal. "Figure it out." I have figured things out and keep trying to find solutions. Regardless, if compromises keep getting shot down, then it is an all or nothing situation. I accepted you would never see things my way. You lack human decency. If

I miss touching my family. However, it is for the best. Most deaths are due to complications from pre-existing conditions, which I don't have and they do. It is probably best I got it first so they could take the proper precautions. As I look on social media, I see people pictures of frolicking about and in less than 24 hours do I learn they are now COVID-19 positive. I share this with whoever I can so they don't have to feel like this. Last night was the first time I was not covered in sweat. Yet, the fever headache knows not how to relent. It is truly the strangest headache I have ever had - it is as though tiny cracks emanating from the base of the skull and each fissure is being spread apart from sliding tectonic plates. If this is painful, then I can imagine the pain from trauma induced intracranial pressure. It does not hurt upon palpation, so it is likely not muscular pain. The headache then does puts a lot of tension on my neck. It feels as though my hair grew five feet and

It is futile to obey to make people happy. Happiness stems from an emotional reaction to the status quo. My joy is robbed if I chase external validation. If happiness is transient, then meta-happiness is surely a haphazard stack of wooden blocks (Jenga). Even if pieces are removed and added carefully, it WILL fall. I don't want to a second round. Try as I might to explain the situation, it won't matter as long others refuse to see things from any other perspective than theirs. And I have no desire to brandish a vicious tongue, it is like carrying heavy ammo for a fight I have no desire of fighting. The only way to stop this cycle is to stop reacting. As long as my actions are aligned with my principles, then I won't have any regrets. Sure, there might be a few short-term regrets, but in the grand scheme of things - this too shall pass. But only if I do not let it define me, then can it pass. If I get to a pet store, I could photograph a close-up of the surface inside of a fish